a thougt

If there is honor among thieves,

the Ego is a self assuring monster

cooking up justice with some law

That is as ridiculous and serious

As all law is.

but really,

We are all just looking for acceptance

moth

It's that slow roll up

like when you put on a song you have never hear before.
But you know- be it artist credit or those higher knowing says or just raw turning gut
you know this song is going to get it- get there- blow up - blow away - take you with it
and it and it's slow dropping hints and it gathers and billows and builds and swells but leaks too, Never obvious to bore but bares form as it picks up speed - picks up beat - pick you Now it's in us and it's reaching the point the peak where although never promised you know, you know because you are skating slipping on it you know it's going to break over you through you it's going to be... the best song ever. It slows down just long enough to hold your breath eyes squeezed

and then...

I've done that all my life up

Looking back on entries posted in my livejournal dating to about only a year ago I am amazed at my discomfort. It is all too difficult for me to sympathize forget about empathize! Something happened, it might have been metamorphosis but more like a shift. Here is where I start to work up worries. I feel more confident in my my world than ever before, what will I be sitting thinking of this veiw a year from now? Does the changing stop or slow? Or do I just keep r o l l i n g

hm
this blog sure is a mish mash of odd things some personal some where I am a speck

Can I Da

BRB!

Taking a bit of time to exist outside of all the "me" that is not me.

I heart

everything is nothing and nothing is everything
or
every thing is nothing and nothing is every thing
or
everything is no thing and no thing is everything
or
every thing is no thing and no thing is every thing

I'm not sure how to slice this one up. This is how I see it right now and I could very possibly be inside out that is right side in that is downside up that is... wrong? If wrong exists

"Everything" and every-thing are not the same at all. "Everything" is the collective and every- thing is addressing the individual. Every single thing, I don't know right now if I can imagine every thing just this room is so many things made up of so many things and on it goes so "everything" is convenient, it's nice packaged sealed. For some reason the "everything" is spherical in nature although that is entirely a mind's eye thing and that is mine. Maybe I'm being a little egocentric relating the "everything" to earth which is not even close to all encompassing, but this is how I see it. So I have "everything" which contains every-thing. Hardly as simple as I am making this out to be but for the purpose of this question I have to make it this way. If I didn't I would be breaking and breaking and breaking, maybe forever I mean if forever is real. For - ever, ever being immeasurable Gah! distractions. focus and simple and focus and next

is the "nothing" as in a lack of thing more like nothingness a state of non existence. is "nothing" real? what seems like nothing take for example empty room space I've been told is crawling with the every-thing, atoms and particles of gases and light and tides of sound waves only to begin with! so that illusion of no-thing is replaced by the theory of matter which is I guess the theory of every-thing. However, and this is based on what I have been told not what I know for fact which could topple everything this wobbly idea tower is building up to be. We that is the "everything" is surrounded by no-thing, that is a vacum. Vacum being completely void of not just every-thing but any-thing. Now if the "everything" is surrounded by no-thing here and no-thing there around it in all spots that collectively the "everything" is surrounded by the "nothingness".

this is where the theory started to bend the brain so I got some concretes.

a rubber ball to represent the "everything" containing every-thing
a tissue to represent the "nothingess" which contains absolutly no-thing
so I take the ball and wrap it in the tissue. I guess this is kind of rough idea. "Everything" somehow suspended in "nothing".
so now my question is, how? how did it happen?

it could be the attractions and the connections, thing attracts thing regardless of the nature of the thing, bonds maybe chemical, maybe something else. So things atrract things to make bigger things, two hydrogen and one oxygen atom will attarct each other, those three things make a molecule of water, another thing, molecules attarct eachother make drops, make pools, make streams, make rivers, make oceans, make plants. Things~things~things~things to make every-thing which is all roled up into the "everything".
The "everything" though is not solid, there are spaces betwen every-thing the same way it built up into things it breaks down by the no-things betwen the things. The spaces or the cracks you have to look close but not too close to see them, often missed but there. So for my concrete theory to be accurate there would have to be the tinniest bits of the tissue which is the existance of no-thing betwen every-thing, that is emebeded throughout the rubber ball.

The more I think about it the more I realize what I am having most trouble with is well "is"

everything is nothing~everything contained within nothing= every thing betwen no thing

nothing is everything~nothing contained within everything=no thing betwen every thing

maybe that is a little logical, maybe that makes a little sense.
However, I am afraid I am doing terrible injustice to "is"

word law says: is means to be and to be is to exist so "is" is a present form of being

well I can agree with this

no-thing is being every-thing (as in no one thing is being every single thing) that make sense right?
but, every-thing is being no-thing (as in every single thing is no one individual thing) is problematic.

maybe it's that the two need each other. neither can really exist without the contradiction or seperation of the other.

Rubber balls and tissues are neither every-thing nor no-thing the are simply "thing"

however they contain every-thing that is the connections and bits that make up every-thing
they also contain no-thing the spaces, the nothingness might give it form.

"hmmm"

I hope no one wastes thier time on this conclusionless mind dribble






.... that's a lie

blame it on the coldex

hypothalmus vs. stomach

which one of you is true?
true blue

treu

bleu

blew

me away.

oh Lord, hold me now

I am really really really scared.

to hold you in time

we came from love

Essentially when one speaks of making love the purest form on that act without dehumanizing saran wrap they are creating love. That love is life. Two bumbling beings human at best coming together opening up each other in the most vulnerable of ways to create life. We create what we are we are making this. the most amazing miraculous thing unimaginable almost. we are products of love. we are made of love.

Brings around wonder about lives created at other times. Children who are brought to this world by oppression - by force - by silencing - by hurting. If there is no acknowledged love what is created? loveless life? Is love required to make love. Can something ugly and angry still create that lifelove. Or perhaps making love is just an empty sugarcoated expression. Are we all just tubes and pumps mass producing in a crumbling warehouse?

This love is fucking right! or To my friends

I won't waste my time!
With mournful scornful rhymes
of woes and blows

Oh, We just know

<3

don't forget the nights when it all felt right

standing at that party surrounded by a costumed tipsy population made up of my high school it all came back to me. All that insecurity, awkward behavior, and fear that illustrated me throughout those four years broke over me like some awful wave. Paralyzing me and cutting off all my ability to function. Giving me only the worst expectations.

ugh awful

Suddenly now I know where I belong

I enjoy this. I like the intensity and the interaction.
Photo by James Houde great guy great picture.

So how about that life?
Lately I have been feeling my life is marked by extremes. Extreme highs and well not lows some lows not that extreme though. I guess it is another sort of high that is most extreme. There's that world is beautiful life is wonderful high that is sprinkled throughout my days. Then there another I guess it's more of a panic, fingers of doubt slipping through me and squEEzing me silly. Kind of a seesaw of the two balanced by those few moments every day of that nothingness and peace. seesaw what an odd word wow so self explanatory you see the person then you saw because it's in the past and you see again and then it's in the past. I guess all of life is just see saw every second really hmm.

As ever meeting new faces who like to talk and have those profound things to say is great. Friendly people rule the most.

Open your eyes the world is beautiful Pt 1

Doubt is a killer


when I look at the sky it falls apart

I'm always wondering where you are

Do you think if you are thinking of someone they can feel it? What about if you're sending them a message will they ever get it. Communication does not have to involve our voices I don't think. Eyes speak, hands speak, toes speak, skin speaks. Can we do it with distance? Send thoughts send bits of ourselves? if we try real hard then maybe... Anyone want to give this a try?

fucked

Which is the most universal human characteristic--
fear or laziness?

seriously story of my life.

This is the last night in my body. yeah

In the past month or two I have started a whole mess of blogs always to be cast aside to the dreaded draft pile.

oh well

when I was younger I used to think that being sick was punishment from god. I reasoned to myself that the physical torment of the sickness was a reminder of what I had to do to stay healthy. It made sense to me. It was god's way of riding me body of the all the bad that somehow riddled me. Things like throwing up or blowing my nose were literally my body's way of expelling evil. Evil in the form of disgusting substances that hurt terribly when they came out of me burning my throat, my nose, my eyes. Being sick also restricted my activities to laying in bed and thinking. Looking back on what I had done to deserve this punishment apologizing, praying. It was a soul and body cleansing leaving me feeling refurbished clean and pure. Giving me the appreciation of my health and also a warning to avoid letting the evil seep back into me.

so now I lay here in bed one again body shivering, eyes burning, throat of fire, heavy head. I suppose I have lost some of the faith along the way of my life. Now I wonder what the physical explanation for this sickness is. It is another wonderful mystery of the human body that I am now sure I can fully grasp. You can break it down to antibodies and immunities but when I feel my legs buckle because they can't hold me up or when I am leaning over the toilet ridding my body of poison it makes me wonder. I also used to believe people threw up when they were too drunk as a warning to avoid alcoholism. And in a way I suppose it is. Our body's way of telling us it's taken in too much of this liquid which when you think about is awfully harmful to us. Slowing down out systems messing our perceptions loosening our tongues and our minds. When I was eight I took a sip of my parents vodka. I thought the horrible burning in my mouth and throat were punishment from god from sneaking around stealing from my parents. And I still believe it was a warning. Our bodies take care of us in ways we don't always see. The most complex system I can imagine. Our bodies are genuine miracles. This world is a genuine miracle.

It can't all just be chance.

no way

something is out there. I feel it in the trees and the wind and water and my hands and I see it in
the eyes around me. Touch a car then touch a human. Two machines yes? The difference? that thing. what's it called? I do not know that is I can not be sure. it's there though. it's everywhere.
I can't say I know because know is not possible but I... Believe? maybe. I feel!

shut up!

just
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all the time