me vs. me

This body this mind this world.
These emotions these fears these dreams
I can't make it work together.
I don't know if ever will
I'm looking for something
I'm looking at nothing
I can see through so much but I am blindsided by my own humanity.

LISTEN YOU!
BLAHBLAHBLAH you are nothing we are nothing no one cares you won't ever have any truth so why bother?

why bother?
because if I was never meant to discover why would I have this need for it?

why? why? why? you spend all your time on these stupid why?s instead of dealing with reality. Instead of making a life out of what you have you are just looking for impossibilities in the small holes you "see"

What is real? what does real mean? something you can see something you can touch? is happiness real? what about happiness based on lies? is that real? is an experience real? are memories real? or are they just pictures i have created am I real? Are the people around me real?

listen to me you need to stop you are chasing impossible things! you will never have these answers so you might as well give up before you go crazy with all these irrationalities they have no place in this world. you need to be satisfied with what you have. stop being so slefish!

I'm not trying to be selfish honest I'm not. I love the world I do I spend every moment marveling at this world its so full of so many wonderful things! It's so beautiful I just get filled with this i can't even explain what it is but its wonderful and good and pure I could just sit right there and never need anything else.

OK good so just be happy with that.

It's so fleeting though it's the shortest period of ecstasy and then I'm back where I was with my questions and fears and distorted vision and yearning to just feel something that I know without a doubt is real and true.

Well what about love?

Oh love I used to think that love is all you need. But just like everything else I don't know anymore. What is love? I don't know. When I think of someone who I "love" I feel something and what I feel is good rather than bad and it is stronger than most things I feel but that doesn''t make it real. It's just another sensation inside me cuased by my own brains memories and images and might have nothing to do with reality or anything. It could just be a sensation and not this ideal that i want it to be. I love my friends but I don't even know what that means! and if you are talking about true love well you know that will never happen until we can be honest...

stop it

see! man if we cant be honest with each other then we'll be liars forever and never experience this true love. Even if it's just a falsified sensation like everything else I know I want it so bad because the loneliness we have created for ourselves is awful and you know it is.

I do

so? what is stopping us from just letting this part of us out?

I'm scared and it's wrong and just NoNoNo

I hope you realize you are just lying all the time. Because of you we are a liar!

I thought nothing was real, so what I'm doing isn't real either right?

I don't know if any of this is real or what anything is but I do know that along with the yearning for truth and a grasp on something I also want to find someone to share this with to share myself with and have them do the same. It is part of our desire as humans and rather or not it's all fake perceptions we create in ourselves or these things actaully have some tangible qualities you and I both know it's something we want. But because of you and your stupid self loathing fear we may very well never!

I know... I'm sorry


Hey I mean we suffer equally on this. I know you think running away will do something help you change but what if it doesn't what if you can never get over your fear and just be yourself?


I... don't know what about you huh? what if you never learn to aacept that world for what it is accept your own mortality. you are losing touch with everything! if you don't stop this soon you will have nothing to relate too.


Well maybe and maybe you will never be happy because you are too scared of what? other peoples cirtisicm or your own stupid regret to ever really let yourself love who you want to...


Look I don't know what to do!


you think I do?


...


we may be this way forever. Never fully here never really honest.

yo yo bye bye

It's been calling to me for a while. The unknown, that great world. I have seen a lot here probably not all I can but enough for now. I am ready to see more. I have been reluctant though. scared to leave because I found this one thing here greater than anything I have ever had before. This love it is unparalleled by any other. If you have not experienced I don't know how you'd comprehend it. I found this and I was scared to turn my back on it. I feared if I left it it would disappear without a trace the way these things tend to.
I'm not scared anymore I know now it is here forever. Distances mean nothing this bond can not be severed no matter how we drift it holds. So I can go and take it with me, fold it into me and carry it wherever I go. This is real. Finally.
I am Ready.

edit:/ Ok so where do I go?

Maintenance Hall 4 am

I want this moment.

I wish I knew how to capture an experience. Not with a camera that's just a perception an image. It tells a story but only a little tiny piece of it. If I took a picture right now what would it be? Me sitting at my computer, nothing remarkable really. Oh, but right now right now I can't even describe it. I'm bursting with something it is stretching at my fingertips and toes and making my face glow. I want to take this, me the way I am right now and capture it in a jar like a firefly.
I wonder if it is possible to recreate something like this? If i got the music and the timing just right? and the way my shirt feels and pressure of my headphones on my ears and the taste of my tea and the itch in my nose and I thought of everything I am thinking right now could I duplicate the way I feel? I doubt it and even if I could it just would not be the same. It would be hmm artificial? And besides I'd be expecting it so it wouldn't hit me the way this did. A rush of this thing... it's like flying a kite that is picked up by a gust of some zephyr and carried to an incredible height. It's not the norm and it won't last long. But when it's up there that hardly matters, It's up there and it's wonderful and there is no logical reason why it is this moment this and not five minutes ago. It is just supreme as it is in that moment. Right now I am full, brimming actually with a buzzing prospective. I'd be silly to think this will last. Things will go back to the way they have been. Everything will fall back down. But i just wish i had some way to capture this to remind myself that though it may seem this feeling is a fleeting impossibility, and most of the time it is. Sometimes a rare wonderful sometime all of a sudden it sweeps you up and fills and surrounds you. This is what I walk around looking for.

I wonder if there are people who can synthesize this? Whenever they want. Wow what a thought

Possibly Maybe

I will find the place that I feel right in.
Big Dreams Big Plans
This time I'm doing it!!




I swear

Hi!

Ramapo is lovely the campus is very nice if a bit hilly and I could not have asked for a better room.
But this whole meeting new people making friends thing?
Yeah I am no damn good
Doesn't help that I am literally a bumbling fool
as socially awkward as they come

Tomorrow is my first class I told myself I was going to speak up and participate and actually show some personality. But who fucking knows?

I suck