This is the last night in my body. yeah

In the past month or two I have started a whole mess of blogs always to be cast aside to the dreaded draft pile.

oh well

when I was younger I used to think that being sick was punishment from god. I reasoned to myself that the physical torment of the sickness was a reminder of what I had to do to stay healthy. It made sense to me. It was god's way of riding me body of the all the bad that somehow riddled me. Things like throwing up or blowing my nose were literally my body's way of expelling evil. Evil in the form of disgusting substances that hurt terribly when they came out of me burning my throat, my nose, my eyes. Being sick also restricted my activities to laying in bed and thinking. Looking back on what I had done to deserve this punishment apologizing, praying. It was a soul and body cleansing leaving me feeling refurbished clean and pure. Giving me the appreciation of my health and also a warning to avoid letting the evil seep back into me.

so now I lay here in bed one again body shivering, eyes burning, throat of fire, heavy head. I suppose I have lost some of the faith along the way of my life. Now I wonder what the physical explanation for this sickness is. It is another wonderful mystery of the human body that I am now sure I can fully grasp. You can break it down to antibodies and immunities but when I feel my legs buckle because they can't hold me up or when I am leaning over the toilet ridding my body of poison it makes me wonder. I also used to believe people threw up when they were too drunk as a warning to avoid alcoholism. And in a way I suppose it is. Our body's way of telling us it's taken in too much of this liquid which when you think about is awfully harmful to us. Slowing down out systems messing our perceptions loosening our tongues and our minds. When I was eight I took a sip of my parents vodka. I thought the horrible burning in my mouth and throat were punishment from god from sneaking around stealing from my parents. And I still believe it was a warning. Our bodies take care of us in ways we don't always see. The most complex system I can imagine. Our bodies are genuine miracles. This world is a genuine miracle.

It can't all just be chance.

no way

something is out there. I feel it in the trees and the wind and water and my hands and I see it in
the eyes around me. Touch a car then touch a human. Two machines yes? The difference? that thing. what's it called? I do not know that is I can not be sure. it's there though. it's everywhere.
I can't say I know because know is not possible but I... Believe? maybe. I feel!