It's bigger than me

Consider this,

An objective mind
follows a confused heart
with strong convictions
splits in two
halves battling
if you fake it
you will externally thrive
oh if to survive is all
then hold back

so let's just say
possibility exists
beyond survival
not just anonymous autonomy
to be who the we
smothered and hidden
really are

because what you show
and what I see
two sides of one face
they don't agree

we are filtering ourselves
what if we leave behind
in the pieces too big too be let out
what we really are
trapped inside

Consider this,

If you looked beyond
the dividing slashes
into open pools
you might find me

Consider this,

watch who you stand on
while defining
what you stand for

if we can't accept
if we won't correct
our natural flaws
we are the energy wasted

so it's time to decide

will you?

Consider this

all the people you knew were the actors

A most ironic experience, laying with someone in the same bed conveying to them how you feel like you can not relate to people anymore. Telling them how you feel like human interaction has become a game of hide and seek. And they nod along like they know what you are saying like they can feel what you are putting out but, and here is where irony strikes you know they don't understand and are just agreeing for the sake of peace? complacence? It proved what I was saying to myself which I guess leaves me right back here.

It's all about abstractions and concretes and what we have to connect them which is basically just words. Words can't cut it though. When I say a word it doesn't necessarily mean that you connect with that word what I sent you so the message is just lost floating around our heads. I want to reach out and grab you and see you and have you see me as we are without interference or filters just you and me.
Impossible!

Ch ch changes

I don't think this was the place for that other post.

I work pretty hard at trying to find patterns in everything around. If you look very closely you can sometimes see these tiny bonds between events that link together to form chains. These chains if you can see them can sometimes if read correctly, help you predict what will happen. Originality I think is sometimes a myth especially in human behavior. I believe once we form such patterns we don't tend to break them very easily at all. It is almost like a formula we will follow in a given situation. Can we change?

Change is something that evades me all the time. We are on this constant journey for something and more often than not what we seek requires some sort of er, self improvement? We need to eat better, act different, open up, exercise more, break a habit there seems to always be something we need to change about ourselves to be what we see of ourselves when close our eyes and get lost in a fantasy. This change though however I am afraid is impossible. Impossible may be too strong of a word. I do not think anything is impossible. I just realize that change true change when attempted is one of the most difficult things to do. At least that is my personal findings and based on the rigid behavior patterns I see all around me I am guessing most find it as unattainable as I do.

Wait hold on, that is not right at all. People change I've seen them change. It can happen right before your eyes someone you know inside out can slowly become someone else. It seems like they are unaware of it as it is happening but you can see it on them. The change is not one they are purposely working for but their surroundings are bringing out something in them. It happens to everyone sometimes while we are watching other times we may leave and return to find ourselves face to face with strangers. Is change something that we have no control over? Are we at as complete a loss for controlling the change within ourselves as we are with the escalating world around us? It seems we can not change ourselves but we can not stop the changes we see around us. Maybe I should not be including anyone everyone in this maybe I am the only one who feels stuck while everything is whirling away from me.
Am I?

Concrete and Water

If I hadn't woken up this morning to go to my canceled class.
I'd be in the throws of sleep tangled in covers eyes shut tight catching glimpses of a world paralleling this one.
This hour would not be mine. It would be gone I would never experience 10 am October 7th 2008.
While we sleep we lose. Minutes, hours, add up to weeks we spend not really here. What happens to all that time we could have had. We're giving it away, we have to though it is our human condition to need sleep. Every single day. It's almost like a preview of what death will be like. We won't be "here" to see it but everything will go on around us. The world does not stop with us when we sleep and when we die it will be the same thing except we may never get to see it ever again. We won't eventually open our sleep heavy eyes to rejoin the familiarities around us. We may be stuck dreaming forever. So seize the day?

Or maybe this is all a dream that I have been indulging in far too long.

late night ponders

Sleep? highly unlikely I've got too much buzzing going on between my ears. The maybes and what ifs are stacking high making a wobbly tower of prospects. Oh I hope it does not come crashing down it's enjoyable to entertain these thoughts for now. They are just kind of whirling around in my head sort of giddy making when we bottle it up.
This weekend was a bit of a trip back in time. Things change people change but there are some constants like street signs and the trees that i take comfort in. There is a house that was not there when i left. It's sitting outside my window it's boxlike corners in a clearing of soft green. It's an invader in my memory of my yard i have to rearrange the image now.