what if
My skin is never thick enough,
and I never know where to go.
If decisions never get easier,
or if they start to matter.
Or what if I can never reach anyone
what if these thin lines defining every time
above my eyes get too deep to smooth out with sunny smiles.
what if mediocre is all I can do not all I choose to do
but
the
sky
is
up
and this bed is warm
and I will see you sooner than ever
so Inside I'm okay?
Thursday, December 11, 2008
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Tuesday, November 25, 2008
Insignificance
In one hundred years.
Everyone reading this will be dead.
Maybe sooner
Maybe much sooner
So is there anything that is not trivial?
Everyone reading this will be dead.
Maybe sooner
Maybe much sooner
So is there anything that is not trivial?
Sunday, November 16, 2008
It's come to this
I was born with these impulses with this body with this mind. I did not choose to be this. No one did. We start out a bundle of rapidly growing cells and somehow we form into beings with ideas and opinions and likes and dislikes. Everyone begins the same and we all end the same. Into the earth recycled energy recycled matter. We are all "borrowing" what makes up what I can touch and know as you.
What a terribly common misconception that one being is better than the other. We as people think we have some sort of knowledge and right that we know how much someone is worth. We look at each other wrapped in these external shells and often enough based on this we Judge. My skin is a pale color because of the amount of melanin in my system. Melanin is a justified reason for name calling, prejudice, hate,violence and death. There are people who feel like strangers in their skin and yearn to be someone else. These people are mutants! Freaks! Who you are attracted to determines you're right to have children and be married. Not to mention if you get to live without being threatened everywhere you turn. Yes, it's all on the outside everything important the places where you should go and what you should get in your life a stranger can decide within two minutes of knowing you. Not even.
No! no no no no no NO.
no
I know that you know and we all know or well some of us know this is not right. We are writing each other off like looking for the peaches without bruises. We are deciding what is right for others while we have no idea how they feel. I know how I feel. I know what is right for me. I know what I need. Or well at least I am learning what I need. I don't know what you need, I don't know what you can do or what you don't want to do. You can tell me and we can help each other get somewhere. For anyone to think that they can examine another with the weakness of eyes and know all these things about them is just plain silly. But we do it all the time! We have these set in notions of right and wrong of class and race and place. We lump the most unique of beings in a large sticky group based on something as trivial as melanin or sometimes things that aren't even a part of them like the heaviness of the pockets and the watches on their wrists. And we form these rules and ideas about everyone that apply to a group as if even two people out of the group were identical. We stick words like "Black" "White" "Poor" Straight" "Gay" "Rich" "Asian" "Jew" "Muslim" "Atheist" Sometimes we'll go even further pick out words that are demeaning and foul "Nigger" "Faggot" like this word can define the immense endless feeling and pain and love and emotion and thought and wonder that makes up a human being. And the funny thing is we are all humans! We all know how much there is to ourselves how can we not realize it is the same for everyone!? Even the basic of titles "Man" and "Woman" come with all these applied ideals and roles that can never fit everyone because well we are not all the same! Physically yes we are all just energy and cells making up tissue making up organs making up systems making up you and me. However there is so much more to being a human. We all know it we just somehow can't apply the way we feel about ourselves to everyone else.
So what do we do? We judge and we hide for fear of being judged. Some of us can not hide because it is the physicality they were born with and they wear it every day and the prejudice and hate that comes with it like a stain on their backs. Why do we do this? Is it fear? Is it our need for acceptance from others to hold the same corrupt belief they do? We need to be accepted by someone so if we shun others we will belong. It's the sick cycle we are stuck in. A circle of hate a circle of judgments a circle of wrong. Will it be this way forever? If no one ever does something it will. So I am. I am not perfect and I make these calls with blind eyes like anyone else. The time has come for change though. I am not better than anyone and if I ever have anything more than another it is by pure luck and nothing more. Be the change you want to see in the world. The change we need to see in the world. Well I will.
I am who I am. I can not change that. I don't want to. I don't have to. Neither do you. Accept everyone for who they are. Love everyone being for the unique beauty that makes us human. Don't let fear rule! Don't let hate rule! Maybe I can make a difference, maybe I can not.
I will try.
What a terribly common misconception that one being is better than the other. We as people think we have some sort of knowledge and right that we know how much someone is worth. We look at each other wrapped in these external shells and often enough based on this we Judge. My skin is a pale color because of the amount of melanin in my system. Melanin is a justified reason for name calling, prejudice, hate,violence and death. There are people who feel like strangers in their skin and yearn to be someone else. These people are mutants! Freaks! Who you are attracted to determines you're right to have children and be married. Not to mention if you get to live without being threatened everywhere you turn. Yes, it's all on the outside everything important the places where you should go and what you should get in your life a stranger can decide within two minutes of knowing you. Not even.
No! no no no no no NO.
no
I know that you know and we all know or well some of us know this is not right. We are writing each other off like looking for the peaches without bruises. We are deciding what is right for others while we have no idea how they feel. I know how I feel. I know what is right for me. I know what I need. Or well at least I am learning what I need. I don't know what you need, I don't know what you can do or what you don't want to do. You can tell me and we can help each other get somewhere. For anyone to think that they can examine another with the weakness of eyes and know all these things about them is just plain silly. But we do it all the time! We have these set in notions of right and wrong of class and race and place. We lump the most unique of beings in a large sticky group based on something as trivial as melanin or sometimes things that aren't even a part of them like the heaviness of the pockets and the watches on their wrists. And we form these rules and ideas about everyone that apply to a group as if even two people out of the group were identical. We stick words like "Black" "White" "Poor" Straight" "Gay" "Rich" "Asian" "Jew" "Muslim" "Atheist" Sometimes we'll go even further pick out words that are demeaning and foul "Nigger" "Faggot" like this word can define the immense endless feeling and pain and love and emotion and thought and wonder that makes up a human being. And the funny thing is we are all humans! We all know how much there is to ourselves how can we not realize it is the same for everyone!? Even the basic of titles "Man" and "Woman" come with all these applied ideals and roles that can never fit everyone because well we are not all the same! Physically yes we are all just energy and cells making up tissue making up organs making up systems making up you and me. However there is so much more to being a human. We all know it we just somehow can't apply the way we feel about ourselves to everyone else.
So what do we do? We judge and we hide for fear of being judged. Some of us can not hide because it is the physicality they were born with and they wear it every day and the prejudice and hate that comes with it like a stain on their backs. Why do we do this? Is it fear? Is it our need for acceptance from others to hold the same corrupt belief they do? We need to be accepted by someone so if we shun others we will belong. It's the sick cycle we are stuck in. A circle of hate a circle of judgments a circle of wrong. Will it be this way forever? If no one ever does something it will. So I am. I am not perfect and I make these calls with blind eyes like anyone else. The time has come for change though. I am not better than anyone and if I ever have anything more than another it is by pure luck and nothing more. Be the change you want to see in the world. The change we need to see in the world. Well I will.
I am who I am. I can not change that. I don't want to. I don't have to. Neither do you. Accept everyone for who they are. Love everyone being for the unique beauty that makes us human. Don't let fear rule! Don't let hate rule! Maybe I can make a difference, maybe I can not.
I will try.
Friday, October 24, 2008
It's bigger than me
Consider this,
An objective mind
follows a confused heart
with strong convictions
splits in two
halves battling
if you fake it
you will externally thrive
oh if to survive is all
then hold back
so let's just say
possibility exists
beyond survival
not just anonymous autonomy
to be who the we
smothered and hidden
really are
because what you show
and what I see
two sides of one face
they don't agree
we are filtering ourselves
what if we leave behind
in the pieces too big too be let out
what we really are
trapped inside
Consider this,
If you looked beyond
the dividing slashes
into open pools
you might find me
Consider this,
watch who you stand on
while defining
what you stand for
if we can't accept
if we won't correct
our natural flaws
we are the energy wasted
so it's time to decide
will you?
Consider this
An objective mind
follows a confused heart
with strong convictions
splits in two
halves battling
if you fake it
you will externally thrive
oh if to survive is all
then hold back
so let's just say
possibility exists
beyond survival
not just anonymous autonomy
to be who the we
smothered and hidden
really are
because what you show
and what I see
two sides of one face
they don't agree
we are filtering ourselves
what if we leave behind
in the pieces too big too be let out
what we really are
trapped inside
Consider this,
If you looked beyond
the dividing slashes
into open pools
you might find me
Consider this,
watch who you stand on
while defining
what you stand for
if we can't accept
if we won't correct
our natural flaws
we are the energy wasted
so it's time to decide
will you?
Consider this
Sunday, October 19, 2008
all the people you knew were the actors
A most ironic experience, laying with someone in the same bed conveying to them how you feel like you can not relate to people anymore. Telling them how you feel like human interaction has become a game of hide and seek. And they nod along like they know what you are saying like they can feel what you are putting out but, and here is where irony strikes you know they don't understand and are just agreeing for the sake of peace? complacence? It proved what I was saying to myself which I guess leaves me right back here.
It's all about abstractions and concretes and what we have to connect them which is basically just words. Words can't cut it though. When I say a word it doesn't necessarily mean that you connect with that word what I sent you so the message is just lost floating around our heads. I want to reach out and grab you and see you and have you see me as we are without interference or filters just you and me.
Impossible!
It's all about abstractions and concretes and what we have to connect them which is basically just words. Words can't cut it though. When I say a word it doesn't necessarily mean that you connect with that word what I sent you so the message is just lost floating around our heads. I want to reach out and grab you and see you and have you see me as we are without interference or filters just you and me.
Impossible!
Saturday, October 11, 2008
Ch ch changes
I don't think this was the place for that other post.
I work pretty hard at trying to find patterns in everything around. If you look very closely you can sometimes see these tiny bonds between events that link together to form chains. These chains if you can see them can sometimes if read correctly, help you predict what will happen. Originality I think is sometimes a myth especially in human behavior. I believe once we form such patterns we don't tend to break them very easily at all. It is almost like a formula we will follow in a given situation. Can we change?
Change is something that evades me all the time. We are on this constant journey for something and more often than not what we seek requires some sort of er, self improvement? We need to eat better, act different, open up, exercise more, break a habit there seems to always be something we need to change about ourselves to be what we see of ourselves when close our eyes and get lost in a fantasy. This change though however I am afraid is impossible. Impossible may be too strong of a word. I do not think anything is impossible. I just realize that change true change when attempted is one of the most difficult things to do. At least that is my personal findings and based on the rigid behavior patterns I see all around me I am guessing most find it as unattainable as I do.
Wait hold on, that is not right at all. People change I've seen them change. It can happen right before your eyes someone you know inside out can slowly become someone else. It seems like they are unaware of it as it is happening but you can see it on them. The change is not one they are purposely working for but their surroundings are bringing out something in them. It happens to everyone sometimes while we are watching other times we may leave and return to find ourselves face to face with strangers. Is change something that we have no control over? Are we at as complete a loss for controlling the change within ourselves as we are with the escalating world around us? It seems we can not change ourselves but we can not stop the changes we see around us. Maybe I should not be including anyone everyone in this maybe I am the only one who feels stuck while everything is whirling away from me.
Am I?
I work pretty hard at trying to find patterns in everything around. If you look very closely you can sometimes see these tiny bonds between events that link together to form chains. These chains if you can see them can sometimes if read correctly, help you predict what will happen. Originality I think is sometimes a myth especially in human behavior. I believe once we form such patterns we don't tend to break them very easily at all. It is almost like a formula we will follow in a given situation. Can we change?
Change is something that evades me all the time. We are on this constant journey for something and more often than not what we seek requires some sort of er, self improvement? We need to eat better, act different, open up, exercise more, break a habit there seems to always be something we need to change about ourselves to be what we see of ourselves when close our eyes and get lost in a fantasy. This change though however I am afraid is impossible. Impossible may be too strong of a word. I do not think anything is impossible. I just realize that change true change when attempted is one of the most difficult things to do. At least that is my personal findings and based on the rigid behavior patterns I see all around me I am guessing most find it as unattainable as I do.
Wait hold on, that is not right at all. People change I've seen them change. It can happen right before your eyes someone you know inside out can slowly become someone else. It seems like they are unaware of it as it is happening but you can see it on them. The change is not one they are purposely working for but their surroundings are bringing out something in them. It happens to everyone sometimes while we are watching other times we may leave and return to find ourselves face to face with strangers. Is change something that we have no control over? Are we at as complete a loss for controlling the change within ourselves as we are with the escalating world around us? It seems we can not change ourselves but we can not stop the changes we see around us. Maybe I should not be including anyone everyone in this maybe I am the only one who feels stuck while everything is whirling away from me.
Am I?
Tuesday, October 7, 2008
Concrete and Water
If I hadn't woken up this morning to go to my canceled class.
I'd be in the throws of sleep tangled in covers eyes shut tight catching glimpses of a world paralleling this one.
This hour would not be mine. It would be gone I would never experience 10 am October 7th 2008.
While we sleep we lose. Minutes, hours, add up to weeks we spend not really here. What happens to all that time we could have had. We're giving it away, we have to though it is our human condition to need sleep. Every single day. It's almost like a preview of what death will be like. We won't be "here" to see it but everything will go on around us. The world does not stop with us when we sleep and when we die it will be the same thing except we may never get to see it ever again. We won't eventually open our sleep heavy eyes to rejoin the familiarities around us. We may be stuck dreaming forever. So seize the day?
Or maybe this is all a dream that I have been indulging in far too long.
I'd be in the throws of sleep tangled in covers eyes shut tight catching glimpses of a world paralleling this one.
This hour would not be mine. It would be gone I would never experience 10 am October 7th 2008.
While we sleep we lose. Minutes, hours, add up to weeks we spend not really here. What happens to all that time we could have had. We're giving it away, we have to though it is our human condition to need sleep. Every single day. It's almost like a preview of what death will be like. We won't be "here" to see it but everything will go on around us. The world does not stop with us when we sleep and when we die it will be the same thing except we may never get to see it ever again. We won't eventually open our sleep heavy eyes to rejoin the familiarities around us. We may be stuck dreaming forever. So seize the day?
Or maybe this is all a dream that I have been indulging in far too long.
Sunday, October 5, 2008
late night ponders
Sleep? highly unlikely I've got too much buzzing going on between my ears. The maybes and what ifs are stacking high making a wobbly tower of prospects. Oh I hope it does not come crashing down it's enjoyable to entertain these thoughts for now. They are just kind of whirling around in my head sort of giddy making when we bottle it up.
This weekend was a bit of a trip back in time. Things change people change but there are some constants like street signs and the trees that i take comfort in. There is a house that was not there when i left. It's sitting outside my window it's boxlike corners in a clearing of soft green. It's an invader in my memory of my yard i have to rearrange the image now.
This weekend was a bit of a trip back in time. Things change people change but there are some constants like street signs and the trees that i take comfort in. There is a house that was not there when i left. It's sitting outside my window it's boxlike corners in a clearing of soft green. It's an invader in my memory of my yard i have to rearrange the image now.
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
me vs. me
This body this mind this world.
These emotions these fears these dreams
I can't make it work together.
I don't know if ever will
I'm looking for something
I'm looking at nothing
I can see through so much but I am blindsided by my own humanity.
LISTEN YOU!
BLAHBLAHBLAH you are nothing we are nothing no one cares you won't ever have any truth so why bother?
why bother?
because if I was never meant to discover why would I have this need for it?
why? why? why? you spend all your time on these stupid why?s instead of dealing with reality. Instead of making a life out of what you have you are just looking for impossibilities in the small holes you "see"
What is real? what does real mean? something you can see something you can touch? is happiness real? what about happiness based on lies? is that real? is an experience real? are memories real? or are they just pictures i have created am I real? Are the people around me real?
listen to me you need to stop you are chasing impossible things! you will never have these answers so you might as well give up before you go crazy with all these irrationalities they have no place in this world. you need to be satisfied with what you have. stop being so slefish!
I'm not trying to be selfish honest I'm not. I love the world I do I spend every moment marveling at this world its so full of so many wonderful things! It's so beautiful I just get filled with this i can't even explain what it is but its wonderful and good and pure I could just sit right there and never need anything else.
OK good so just be happy with that.
It's so fleeting though it's the shortest period of ecstasy and then I'm back where I was with my questions and fears and distorted vision and yearning to just feel something that I know without a doubt is real and true.
Well what about love?
Oh love I used to think that love is all you need. But just like everything else I don't know anymore. What is love? I don't know. When I think of someone who I "love" I feel something and what I feel is good rather than bad and it is stronger than most things I feel but that doesn''t make it real. It's just another sensation inside me cuased by my own brains memories and images and might have nothing to do with reality or anything. It could just be a sensation and not this ideal that i want it to be. I love my friends but I don't even know what that means! and if you are talking about true love well you know that will never happen until we can be honest...
stop it
see! man if we cant be honest with each other then we'll be liars forever and never experience this true love. Even if it's just a falsified sensation like everything else I know I want it so bad because the loneliness we have created for ourselves is awful and you know it is.
I do
so? what is stopping us from just letting this part of us out?
I'm scared and it's wrong and just NoNoNo
I hope you realize you are just lying all the time. Because of you we are a liar!
I thought nothing was real, so what I'm doing isn't real either right?
I don't know if any of this is real or what anything is but I do know that along with the yearning for truth and a grasp on something I also want to find someone to share this with to share myself with and have them do the same. It is part of our desire as humans and rather or not it's all fake perceptions we create in ourselves or these things actaully have some tangible qualities you and I both know it's something we want. But because of you and your stupid self loathing fear we may very well never!
I know... I'm sorry
Hey I mean we suffer equally on this. I know you think running away will do something help you change but what if it doesn't what if you can never get over your fear and just be yourself?
I... don't know what about you huh? what if you never learn to aacept that world for what it is accept your own mortality. you are losing touch with everything! if you don't stop this soon you will have nothing to relate too.
Well maybe and maybe you will never be happy because you are too scared of what? other peoples cirtisicm or your own stupid regret to ever really let yourself love who you want to...
Look I don't know what to do!
you think I do?
...
we may be this way forever. Never fully here never really honest.
These emotions these fears these dreams
I can't make it work together.
I don't know if ever will
I'm looking for something
I'm looking at nothing
I can see through so much but I am blindsided by my own humanity.
LISTEN YOU!
BLAHBLAHBLAH you are nothing we are nothing no one cares you won't ever have any truth so why bother?
why bother?
because if I was never meant to discover why would I have this need for it?
why? why? why? you spend all your time on these stupid why?s instead of dealing with reality. Instead of making a life out of what you have you are just looking for impossibilities in the small holes you "see"
What is real? what does real mean? something you can see something you can touch? is happiness real? what about happiness based on lies? is that real? is an experience real? are memories real? or are they just pictures i have created am I real? Are the people around me real?
listen to me you need to stop you are chasing impossible things! you will never have these answers so you might as well give up before you go crazy with all these irrationalities they have no place in this world. you need to be satisfied with what you have. stop being so slefish!
I'm not trying to be selfish honest I'm not. I love the world I do I spend every moment marveling at this world its so full of so many wonderful things! It's so beautiful I just get filled with this i can't even explain what it is but its wonderful and good and pure I could just sit right there and never need anything else.
OK good so just be happy with that.
It's so fleeting though it's the shortest period of ecstasy and then I'm back where I was with my questions and fears and distorted vision and yearning to just feel something that I know without a doubt is real and true.
Well what about love?
Oh love I used to think that love is all you need. But just like everything else I don't know anymore. What is love? I don't know. When I think of someone who I "love" I feel something and what I feel is good rather than bad and it is stronger than most things I feel but that doesn''t make it real. It's just another sensation inside me cuased by my own brains memories and images and might have nothing to do with reality or anything. It could just be a sensation and not this ideal that i want it to be. I love my friends but I don't even know what that means! and if you are talking about true love well you know that will never happen until we can be honest...
stop it
see! man if we cant be honest with each other then we'll be liars forever and never experience this true love. Even if it's just a falsified sensation like everything else I know I want it so bad because the loneliness we have created for ourselves is awful and you know it is.
I do
so? what is stopping us from just letting this part of us out?
I'm scared and it's wrong and just NoNoNo
I hope you realize you are just lying all the time. Because of you we are a liar!
I thought nothing was real, so what I'm doing isn't real either right?
I don't know if any of this is real or what anything is but I do know that along with the yearning for truth and a grasp on something I also want to find someone to share this with to share myself with and have them do the same. It is part of our desire as humans and rather or not it's all fake perceptions we create in ourselves or these things actaully have some tangible qualities you and I both know it's something we want. But because of you and your stupid self loathing fear we may very well never!
I know... I'm sorry
Hey I mean we suffer equally on this. I know you think running away will do something help you change but what if it doesn't what if you can never get over your fear and just be yourself?
I... don't know what about you huh? what if you never learn to aacept that world for what it is accept your own mortality. you are losing touch with everything! if you don't stop this soon you will have nothing to relate too.
Well maybe and maybe you will never be happy because you are too scared of what? other peoples cirtisicm or your own stupid regret to ever really let yourself love who you want to...
Look I don't know what to do!
you think I do?
...
we may be this way forever. Never fully here never really honest.
Sunday, September 21, 2008
yo yo bye bye
It's been calling to me for a while. The unknown, that great world. I have seen a lot here probably not all I can but enough for now. I am ready to see more. I have been reluctant though. scared to leave because I found this one thing here greater than anything I have ever had before. This love it is unparalleled by any other. If you have not experienced I don't know how you'd comprehend it. I found this and I was scared to turn my back on it. I feared if I left it it would disappear without a trace the way these things tend to.
I'm not scared anymore I know now it is here forever. Distances mean nothing this bond can not be severed no matter how we drift it holds. So I can go and take it with me, fold it into me and carry it wherever I go. This is real. Finally.
I am Ready.
edit:/ Ok so where do I go?
I'm not scared anymore I know now it is here forever. Distances mean nothing this bond can not be severed no matter how we drift it holds. So I can go and take it with me, fold it into me and carry it wherever I go. This is real. Finally.
I am Ready.
edit:/ Ok so where do I go?
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Maintenance Hall 4 am
I want this moment.
I wish I knew how to capture an experience. Not with a camera that's just a perception an image. It tells a story but only a little tiny piece of it. If I took a picture right now what would it be? Me sitting at my computer, nothing remarkable really. Oh, but right now right now I can't even describe it. I'm bursting with something it is stretching at my fingertips and toes and making my face glow. I want to take this, me the way I am right now and capture it in a jar like a firefly.
I wonder if it is possible to recreate something like this? If i got the music and the timing just right? and the way my shirt feels and pressure of my headphones on my ears and the taste of my tea and the itch in my nose and I thought of everything I am thinking right now could I duplicate the way I feel? I doubt it and even if I could it just would not be the same. It would be hmm artificial? And besides I'd be expecting it so it wouldn't hit me the way this did. A rush of this thing... it's like flying a kite that is picked up by a gust of some zephyr and carried to an incredible height. It's not the norm and it won't last long. But when it's up there that hardly matters, It's up there and it's wonderful and there is no logical reason why it is this moment this and not five minutes ago. It is just supreme as it is in that moment. Right now I am full, brimming actually with a buzzing prospective. I'd be silly to think this will last. Things will go back to the way they have been. Everything will fall back down. But i just wish i had some way to capture this to remind myself that though it may seem this feeling is a fleeting impossibility, and most of the time it is. Sometimes a rare wonderful sometime all of a sudden it sweeps you up and fills and surrounds you. This is what I walk around looking for.
I wonder if there are people who can synthesize this? Whenever they want. Wow what a thought
I wish I knew how to capture an experience. Not with a camera that's just a perception an image. It tells a story but only a little tiny piece of it. If I took a picture right now what would it be? Me sitting at my computer, nothing remarkable really. Oh, but right now right now I can't even describe it. I'm bursting with something it is stretching at my fingertips and toes and making my face glow. I want to take this, me the way I am right now and capture it in a jar like a firefly.
I wonder if it is possible to recreate something like this? If i got the music and the timing just right? and the way my shirt feels and pressure of my headphones on my ears and the taste of my tea and the itch in my nose and I thought of everything I am thinking right now could I duplicate the way I feel? I doubt it and even if I could it just would not be the same. It would be hmm artificial? And besides I'd be expecting it so it wouldn't hit me the way this did. A rush of this thing... it's like flying a kite that is picked up by a gust of some zephyr and carried to an incredible height. It's not the norm and it won't last long. But when it's up there that hardly matters, It's up there and it's wonderful and there is no logical reason why it is this moment this and not five minutes ago. It is just supreme as it is in that moment. Right now I am full, brimming actually with a buzzing prospective. I'd be silly to think this will last. Things will go back to the way they have been. Everything will fall back down. But i just wish i had some way to capture this to remind myself that though it may seem this feeling is a fleeting impossibility, and most of the time it is. Sometimes a rare wonderful sometime all of a sudden it sweeps you up and fills and surrounds you. This is what I walk around looking for.
I wonder if there are people who can synthesize this? Whenever they want. Wow what a thought
Friday, September 12, 2008
Possibly Maybe
I will find the place that I feel right in.
Big Dreams Big Plans
This time I'm doing it!!
I swear
Big Dreams Big Plans
This time I'm doing it!!
I swear
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Hi!
Ramapo is lovely the campus is very nice if a bit hilly and I could not have asked for a better room.
But this whole meeting new people making friends thing?
Yeah I am no damn good
Doesn't help that I am literally a bumbling fool
as socially awkward as they come
Tomorrow is my first class I told myself I was going to speak up and participate and actually show some personality. But who fucking knows?
I suck
But this whole meeting new people making friends thing?
Yeah I am no damn good
Doesn't help that I am literally a bumbling fool
as socially awkward as they come
Tomorrow is my first class I told myself I was going to speak up and participate and actually show some personality. But who fucking knows?
I suck
Saturday, August 30, 2008
I aint freakin I aint faking this
My B-rain is very overwhelmed. I am trying to figure out which of my jackets to take while memorizing all the flats in the major scale while entertaining all my presumptions of what school will be like. I can not believe school has come. This summer was so long I guess I figured it was not going to end. But it has come to a screeching halt leaving me with an empty suitcase a mountain of jumbled belongings and a day and a half to make it all work.
Last night's conversation keeps running through my head. Friends forever is a weighted expression and the voice of doubt was raised. Is it impossible? A naive hopeful oxymoronic prophecy that we will never be able to fulfill? I like to think not. The invisible ties that bind us together are too strong to be frayed no matter what the distance. right? I think so. I believe in this us. This is different than most. At the same time I feel gaps forming in places and I am struggling to close them before they get too big for me to reach the other side. These gaps are showing up everywhere thats is they are forming within me and around me. They start as cracks that fissure and slowly split and I need to rush and mend them except I can not seem to figure what to use for my needle and thread. Eh I'll work on it.
Maybe duct tape?
Last night's conversation keeps running through my head. Friends forever is a weighted expression and the voice of doubt was raised. Is it impossible? A naive hopeful oxymoronic prophecy that we will never be able to fulfill? I like to think not. The invisible ties that bind us together are too strong to be frayed no matter what the distance. right? I think so. I believe in this us. This is different than most. At the same time I feel gaps forming in places and I am struggling to close them before they get too big for me to reach the other side. These gaps are showing up everywhere thats is they are forming within me and around me. They start as cracks that fissure and slowly split and I need to rush and mend them except I can not seem to figure what to use for my needle and thread. Eh I'll work on it.
Maybe duct tape?
Tuesday, August 26, 2008
Not like you
I hope I'm never blinded by my own self pity.
I hope I'm never delusional to the point of victimization.
I hope I'm never too self righteous to see everyones faults but mine.
I hope I'm never responsible for the unwarranted guilt of others.
No that will not be me.
I hope I'm never delusional to the point of victimization.
I hope I'm never too self righteous to see everyones faults but mine.
I hope I'm never responsible for the unwarranted guilt of others.
No that will not be me.
Saturday, August 23, 2008
Saturday, August 16, 2008
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